WWJD? Epic FAIL, most likely…

One of the things I love about Andrew is that he is an unparalleled source of new and exciting media experiences. Which is to say, thanks to him I have seen the most fucked up movies in existence. Ahem.

He continued this fine education in film recently with… Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. IMDB’s plot outline calls it: “Kung-Fu Action / Comedy / Horror / Musical about the second coming.” How could it fail to be awesome, no?

Oh, but it does.

First off, this film does irrevocable harm to Christianity’s brand. Jesus is a putz. He is a tiny, bumbling, balding man. With terrible dialog. And no super powers. (Except at the very end.) Cripes, he doesn’t even have kung fu grip.

And apparently he lives in Ottawa. Which is seaside.

You see, vampires are preying on Ottawa’s lesbian population (“Fringe festival in jeopardy!”) because their skin contains unique properties that render it non-photosensitive. So they can wander around in daylight hunting more lesbians. Or, y’know, Christ or whomever. And there’s a mad doctor who can graft lesbian skin onto other vampires to render them impervious to the burninating rays of the sun.

Oh, and you know where to find the lesbians, because they have a Lesbian Drop-in Centre at which they hang out. Oh, and there’s a punk rock priest and a blaxploitation priest, but they both die almost immediately, because, again, Jesus is lame.

Anyway, Mary Magnum (get it?) and her shiny jumpsuit of doom try to help Jesus, by buying him some clothes at a thrift store (with a jive-talking clerk who’s the patsy of the lesbian vampire underworld)… or something. But then the vampires take her out, too. And hey, she’s a lesbian, so she fits right in. (In fact, she and the head lesbian vampire are totally hot in the biscuit for each other.)

When Our Lord gets tired of getting his ass kicked, he calls in reinforcements, in the shape (srsly) of Santo, retired Mexican wrestler extraordinaire. (He’s not exactly in fighting trim these days…) Santo arrives accompanied by his assistant, Ms. Oddbottom, who, for no discernible reason, has a preternaturally large ass, which everyone in the movie feels compelled to squeeze.

Anyway, blahblahblah, the vampires capture Jesus and try to kill him at a junk yard. Santo, despite being a seriously tubby bitch and wearing the most ill-fitting mask in Christendom, manages to more or less come to the rescue, and with the help of some junk car parts, the bad guys are vanquished… more or less.

Oh, and Jesus slays a bunch of vampires with the million-candle-power beam that bursts forth from his chest after he’s impaled with a stake.

And then he resurrects several vampires, who are no longer vampires, so that Santo and Mary Magnum can get some sugar.

And then he preaches in a park while wearing blue-tinted sunglasses.

The End.

Now, you’d think from this description that this would be the Best. Movie. EVAR. But you would be wrong. So, so wrong. It was beyond laughably bad, which I frequently enjoy. And I even had beer. No, this was so bad that at one point I was slamming my head against Andrew’s leg, praying for death. Of course, this only caused Andrew to enjoy the movie more, so it was clearly the wrong move.

Anyway, you have been warned.

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