Use your braaaaaaaaains!

Last evening’s film feature was another Andrew special. A cinematic gem he discovered whilst media shopping with his cousin on the weekend… Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane. I’d call it a dual homage, but with those production values, we’re talkin’ serious rip-off action. 🙂

Fortunately, this film was excellently bad enough to encourage much audience interaction, and not just me sobbing and slamming my head against Andrew’s knee in an effort to knock myself blessedly unconscious.

And so, as a service to humanity, I would like to present lessons we can all take to heart, which are readily available by watching FotLD: OoaP.

  1. If you are one day away from retirement, you are going to die. (Note: when this exposition takes place, the audience is compelled to shake their fists at the sky and holler “Mendozaaaaaaaa!” If you do not know what this means, I don’t want to be your friend.)
  2. If you are black, you are going to die. (Kind of a redshirt thing.) However, astute bad movie goers among us may have noticed a trend the last while that black people (males particularly), now die much later on in movies, and generally in at least a semi-heroic fashion. We commend them for this heartening evolution in cinematic stereotyping.
  3. If you are a bitchy ‘ho, you are going to die. ‘Nuff said.
  4. If you are an asshat jock, you are going to die. (Especially if you’re diddling someone else’s bitchy ‘ho girlfriend.) More importantly, you are going to die in a non-manly, near-throw-away fashion, which is as much as you deserve, brah.
  5. Zombies have taken a page from corporate HR: hot women make the best recruiters. In this case, hot stewardesses in short skirts have the highest body counts. We applaud female achievers.
  6. If you are a serious, business-like stewardess with tasteful makeup and a ponytail, you will live. If you are a slutty, fun-loving stewardess, you are going to die.
  7. By the end of the movie the serious, business-like stewardess’ skirt will somehow be shorter, and her hair will be loose and playfully touselled. This appears to be so the cop will want to save her.
  8. If you are a criminal, you probably, nonetheless, have a heart of gold (though you can’t shoot for shit). And you are not only capable of embezzling tens of millions of dollars, you can also dispatch zombies with aplomb AND fly a 747. Mark my words, ladies, cons are the 21st century’s renaissance men…
  9. It is amazingly easy to knock a cop unconscious (turbulence is a criminal’s best friend!), thus enabling the criminal to whom he is handcuffed to escape. However! Cops in bad suits will still always save the day and get the girl, no matter how deplorable their acting skills.
  10. Even if the heroic white menfolk discuss how many bullets each has left, this has no influence on the number of shots they can actually take.
  11. It is perfectly reasonable for a flight departing from the United States, en route to Paris, to pass by Yellowknife.
  12. The more top secret and highly dangerous the cargo, the greater the guarantee that it is thoroughly poorly secured, and will crack open and unleash the whoopass at any moment. Particularly if there’s a thunderstorm going on.
  13. It is perfectly usual practice to transport top secret and highly dangerous cargo on a commercial airliner. In the main cargo hold along with everything else. It may, as a precaution, be accompanied by a security guard who is comically easy to kill.
  14. Guns have excellent zombie stopping power, and it is perfectly okay to fire them — even automatic weapons — willy-nilly on an aircraft.
  15. You can have not one, but two gaping holes in a flying aircraft’s fuselage (for the purposes of sucking out marauding zombies), and this will not affect the plane’s flying ability in the slightest.
  16. Apparently the imperative “You must remove the head, or destroy the brain”, which Shaun of the Dead kindly drilled into us all re. how to dispatch zombies, is just a suggestion. You can pretty much shoot them, stab them, hit them, or impale them anywhere and they’ll fall over. Even if they have a virulent engineered strain of malaria that revives dead organs and reanimates corpses.
  17. The military is totally on top of biological weapons research. For example, virulent engineered strains of malaria are totally awesome in warfare! Your soldiers can keep fighting — even after they’re dead! And you can infect prisoners and send them home — to chomp and infect their own armies! Malaria FTW!
  18. Scientists will allow their own wives to be test subjects for new and untested engineered strains of disease. Of course, it will all go horribly wrong. But that’s okay, cuz guess who’s going to kill the scientists?
  19. Scientists’ amoral, self-serving asshole boss, when he inevitably gets his comeuppance, will, of course, become a sort of uber-zombie.
  20. While you can dispatch regular zombies with anything from an automatic weapon to a putter, an uber-zombie will survive hanging, shooting, being sucked into a jet engine, and a plane crash. And boy, will he ever be mad afterwards.
  21. Zombie movies really do have drinking games built right in.

I hope this list has provided some valuable and life-saving tips that will serve you well should you ever find yourself on a zombie-filled aircraft. Of course, like Penny Arcade’s Tycho knows manticores, such is the depth of Andrew’s zombie expertise, so I would recommend gleaning his expertise before you travel. Or, y’know, just take him with you…

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