a) YAY!!!

b) This articulates something that’s nagged at me on a number occasions in the last couple years, particularly in situations like after my brother’s house sold, after I got a new job, etc.

It wasn’t until I had a chat with Neil that I realized what it was. As much as cancer sucks and the last several months have been difficult to get through, this period of time has had the strongest narrative of my life. Something was large in my life every day. I came from somewhere and was going somewhere and there were points of import dotted along the way. As soon as I walked out of the doctor’s office, the next point of import was nothing more my cubicle and horde of favourite pens in a week’s time.

Writ large, indeed. In my case, the pervasive, confusing, and overwhelming feeling of What Now? And the sense of something being wrong with me for lacking abundant, public, external joy.

What comes after your heart stops being broken? Your family no longer needs you to orchestrate? You become employed again?

I am finding that the What Now is infinitely more liquid and subtle than Strongest Narrative, and tends to kind of just sneak up on you til you start to realize that a lack of crisis is actually okay. (Of course, thanks to prior crises, you don’t immediately lose the mental question mark that wonders when the next crisis will show up and what will be hitched to it…)

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