Under here somewhere

Today hasn’t been one of the good days. Started out okay, but then I rarely wake up feeling like I shouldn’t get out of bed. But after I was up and around for a bit, my mood started to head south. The weather (hot and muggy like bathwater) didn’t help, nor did being cognizant that this begins Week Three, and having to submit my “so what’re ya doin’?” report to EI. (I received my first “thanks, but no thanks” email reply to an application, too.) Didn’t find much to apply for in my search today, though I did get some contract work, which should help occupy my brain, and I have a new library book that should help distract me.

As Sherry noted, though, and knows from experience, some days there simply isn’t anything to be done.

Last night’s financial ponderings didn’t help. Like “So just how soon am I going to be screwed?” or considering that my two best friends’ birthdays are coming up (one of them a milestone), and another friend had a birthday yesterday, and I can’t get anything for any of them. Even more bothersome is the unlikelihood that I’ll be able to buy any gifts or give Chad and Patience any money for a while when the nie-phew is born. I mean, I know babies never stop costing money, but it’s not quite as celebratory as at the beginning, you know? The only anger I have felt so far is being denied the ability to celebrate significant events properly — to be a full participant — with my family and friends.

It also occurred to me when I left PetsMart today that I had just spent as much or more money at one time on food — for Anatole — as I have on myself in the last three weeks. Did I mention my mother, in her infinite helpfulness, mentioned how I would probably have to give up my “fancy restaurants” for a while? Right. I haven’t set foot in Zehrs in almost a month. Aside from picking up a few essentials here and there, I still can’t bring myself to go do a proper grocery shop. Which is okay, since I’m really not eating very much. Yay for the Layoff Diet. I’m down five pounds or so.

Also when I left PetsMart today a man approached me. He talked a lot and he talked fast. Not a bum or a freak, etc., etc… Moved here recently, ex-wife, teenage daughter… something… kid tried to hang herself, hospital, used up vouchers, truck’s out of gas, no money… Long story short, could I spare some cash? I couldn’t, didn’t have any on me. I felt mildly relieved at that, I admit. It was also the first time I said out loud to someone I don’t know that I am not working. It was strange.

I also couldn’t help but think, while he was talking, that anything could be going on behind his sunglasses, and that the crux of a good lie is believable but without too many details. And this guy had WAY too many details.

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