When you bring in birthday treats for your co-workers, as is required, and the treats consist of a brownie cake, which is basically a chocolate cake of such density that you suspect a cup of black holes was added to the batter, the following are pretty much guaranteed to occur:

  1. No one will touch it until you cut a slice to get it started.
  2. No one will touch it once the plates that you set right beside the cake run out. Until you get more plates out of the cupboard that’s immediately above where the cake is sitting. Because unless the order of operations is obvious, the order of operations is unpossible.
  3. Once the plates run out, someone will put the lid back over the cake. (???)
  4. Even if there’s 99% of the cake left, and the pieces are pre-marked and not that big, people will cut teeny partial slices and make a big mess when they can’t lift them out properly.
  5. Over half the women who procure a (partial) slice will be compelled to stop by your desk to tell you how “decadent” it is. Dudes. It’s from Costco.
  6. One woman will make you want to kiss her when she stops by to discuss the cake, notes that she’s bought that one before, too, and basically says, “Fuck it” when you mentioned you thought about getting the mousse cake but decided that one was better. As she also notes, “That light shit just makes you come back twice”.
  7. Men will just eat the damned cake. No divvying, no comments.
  8. When your department has eaten their fill, and you invite two other nearby departments to help themselves, the fewer the remaining slices, the smaller the pieces that will be cut, until some high maintenance chick basically just scoops up two crumbs and an icing smear.
  9. Except then a man will take a whole piece, and the woman will make some joke about it, which he will ignore. Heh.
  10. No one will touch the last piece.
  11. Unless you put the last piece in the main cafeteria, wherein call centre kids will descend within nanoseconds and there will be cake procurement carnage.

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