It’s spring. My fancy’s supposed to be turning to thoughts of love, or something… isn’t it? Oh wait, no, that’s young men. Oh good. I can go crawl back into my hole and hide under a blanket.
I have no people ambition. Don’t want to see people, don’t want to meet people, don’t want to date people. Remember after you have a break-up and the idea of meeting someone new and going through the whole process of getting to know the person seems exhausting and awful and insurmountable? Kinda like that. Been asked out… enh. Haven’t seen Cody… enh. (Though I know I’ll enjoy his company when I do see him.) I’m ambivalent about what the WNET girls have to say, for the most part. If there were any family events I’d be trying to find excuses to pike. I remain deeply averse to the phone. I like emails…
I have Sherry and our running conversations. I have Andrew and the dogs. I have GTalk and MSN Messenger. That’s plenty for the moment. You’re an internet’s distance away, and that’s close enough. Hell, if I’ve been talking to you with any regularity lately, consider it a compliment; I think you’re amazing. But there’s probably no point in wanting us to hang out for the time being. 🙂
I don’t know what it is. This happened last December, when we finished the house. A chapter closed, and I just needed… rest. And I needed a break from (or to break from) certain traditions. And I’ve been doing pretty well since. 2006 hasn’t been quite the Year of Melle that I was hoping for, but hell, there are still nine more months.
But this… why? I get bored and antsy at work, and yet I don’t really talk to Mark and Rob a whole lot lately anyway. Granted, there’s my “outsidedness” there, always has been, but whatever. But this isn’t happiness, or contentment. This is… I just can’t be bothered. This is… You are not not compelling enough. Too many enh people passing through the last while. Too much of the same ol’, same ol’ and none of it what I want. I like fun. Whatever. Buh-bye. Perhaps there’s the rub. Quantity over quality. Noise over connection. Connection – intoxicating stuff.
It’ll pass. We’re nearing the end of this year-long road, I can feel it, and things will change again. Of course, it could end up being like after Andrew left me. Everything changed, then, too. All around me people’s lives were having dramatic – and wonderful – turns. It was a nightmare for a while. And I turn my mental microphone over to my inner cynic and think: well, at least now there’s no one close enough to have that much power to hurt you. But then, life always finds a funny way of proving our assumptions wrong.