A most excellent day. Actually, it started yesterday, when I headed down to the Greater Stoney Creekian Area, the better to not drive down there at the butt crack of dawn this morning. As it was, I didn’t end up getting up much later anyway… And so, we ate of the stew, we desserted on “wieners”, we watched Cops (but only half an hour), and then watched Bad Santa, by decree of Dana. I would just like to say, you are all getting wooden pickles for Christmas. Heh.

Then off to bed, the better to be scared shitless out of REM sleep when the alarm went off this morning. Had the most thorough shower in the history of mankind. Couldn’t help it, Dana gave me way too much awesome-smelling stuff, so I had to try as much of it as I could. Drank coffee, fended off hyper morning dogs, and then Lena arrived to pick us up. I was vaguely disappointed to find out that Dana is smoking the crack, and Lena drives a Navigator, not an Escalade, which is not the same thing. One does not purchase spinner rims for one’s Navigator. Nonetheless, the “God Bless America” bumper ribbon was slapped on (to the side of the car, since that’s the only place it would stick), and away we went, destination: The United States of America.

On the way Lena told us a number of stories, the most entertaining of which involved a woman named Connie. (No, I will not repeat it here: this is a family blog. Heh.) We arrived at the mecca of cross-border goodness: Target, and proceeded to fan out in a three-woman storewide sweep. We met up a couple of times, and eventually all made it out with our respective loot. Lena won, and Dana clearly wasn’t even trying. Melle’s haul: one white bra, one red bra, black fuzzy slippers, fishnet stockings, and some notecards with quaint architectural elements on them.

Then we drove across the parking lot (this has to be done, don’t ask me why) to Tops, where Dana and Lena proceeded to stock up on… well, crap, really. I didn’t get anything, and once we were done we headed out to the family truckster and programmed the navigation system for Walden Galleria. Sheesh, and I thought we’d already hit mecca.

The Walden Galleria is ginormous (there are a number of retailers that have two of the same store, on different floors there, a la West Edmonton Mall). God help you if you want to find your way out of JC Penney without a breadcrumb trail. Fortunately, we weren’t just there to wander willy nilly, else we’d have been there for days. And would have died of heatstroke. (Seriously, mall people, yes, it’s winter, but the mall is packed with heat-producing bodies, all wearing heavy coats…) We hit Hot Topic (where I bought neither the Foamy t-shirt for Mark nor the “Zombies Make Better Boyfriends” t-shirt for Andrew – nyah nyah!), Victoria’s Secret, a shoe store whose name escapes me, Torrid, Lane Bryant, The Discovery Store, Bath & Body Works, and… well, Starbucks, but that’s not exactly retail. Can’t remember if we went anywhere else. Melle’s haul: three pairs of fishnet stockings (can you tell I’ve never owned them before and love them passionately?), jeans that fit like they were handcrafted just for me by the Baby Jesus Himself, sexy undies that apparently are a flight risk (hee!), and four (!) tubes of White Tea and Ginger body cream. And with that, we were vanquished.

So off we headed to The Olive Garden, which was conveniently across the street. (Why, oh why, precious Olive Garden, did you forsake Canada?) We filled up on salad and breadsticks, and then experienced a garlic-and-cheese-gasm. I had the four-cheese tortellini with shrimp(s). YUM. Its remains are reeking up my fridge as I type.

After our carb orgy, it was time to head out, and so the family truckster was programmed northward ho, and off we went. Thanks once again to my eyelashes, we sailed across the border sans duty-paying, and breathed a garlicky sigh of relief as we returned to civilization (relief mostly because I don’t think I actually have any money left to use for duty…) We got back to Dana’s, sorted out our stuff, and Lena was off to her dinner party. I got my stuff together and headed out, too, and got home just before dark, which pleased me. The Mary Kay party was winding down when I got home, not that I was planning to participate. Oh, and may the saints tickle Dana’s toes with delight for picking up my beloved Costa Rican coffee beans for me at Fortino’s. YUM. And thankyouverymuch for my splendid Christmas presents, which she thinks I’m going to wait three weeks to open. (Like I said, smoking the crack…) Which reminds me, time to inflate ye olde family Christmas tree!

Oh, the title of this post… When we were at Torrid, I was browsing near the back of the store. There were two women, one in the change room, and her friend just outside, waiting and casually browsing. The friend was looking at t-shirts, and saw one she liked. She goes back to near the change room door to tell her friend about it.

Browsing Friend: Heh, there’s this great t-shirt out here. It says, “Gold digger”. Umm… and something else. I forget. One sec.
Change Room Girl: It says what?
[Browsing Friend goes back to the rack, which she left not 20 seconds ago, and digs out the t-shirt to read it again. She then returns to the change room.]
Browsing Friend: Hehe, okay, it says, “Gold digger. Like a hooker, just smarter“. Hehe!
Change Room Girl: Haha! That’s great…
[blahblahblah vacuous discussion re. the meaning of gold digger ensues]

Needless to say, if I hadn’t been smirking at the “but smarter” irony already, the fact that I was then browsing socks and saw these Happy Bunny socks just made the moment truly perfect.

This sign is above the door at the shoe store we went to, so you see it on your way out. I took it for my Mom. (Anyone who knows my Mom will know why…)

shoe store sign

I took the picture of this poster outside Tops. I thought it was awesome because a) the copy is SO INCREDIBLY WANKY, and b) the handful of wreaths they had out there were so scraggly and cheap-looking I had to look twice to make sure they weren’t fake. Beautiful. šŸ™‚

wreath poster

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