The Winter of Our Discontent.

Today is the birthday of a guy my cousin and I had a crush on when we were 12. His name is Steve, he’s from Elmira, and he has beautiful, silvery eyes. Heh. Again with the crap my mind is dredging up.

Actually, that’s hardly the sum of it. I feel like I’ve done a full day’s thinking already. Maybe a week’s. I think Alison dislodged every unprocessed thought and unaddressed issue I’ve ever had. Well, not every one. My left shoulder blade is still tight. There are still a few things stuck in there.

It’s strange, I have been feeling social lately. At least as social as I get. There are people I want to see, things I want to do. Conversations I want to have. Only problem is, my timing seems to be way off. Everyone else has other priorities. Some, I don’t know what they are. Others are busy having babies or going crazy, which I can respect. I’m less important than that. πŸ™‚ C’est la vie. It’s frustrating. It gnaws at my ego. It makes me think too much. It’s November now. Perhaps time to stop trying and let things manage themselves and climb into my hole for the winter. (Well, next week, the girls are in town on Sunday and we are going shoe shopping.) Isn’t fall when you’re supposed to find someone to keep you warm for the winter?

Ahh well, I’ve been trying. Things with Cody aren’t going anywhere. He’s busy and social and really? There’s no more chase. I don’t think I’m all that fascinating to him anymore. “Girl, he’s just not that into you…” I know. And actually, I’m fine with that. He’s been good for me. I’ve been processing. I’ve been remembering how things work. He’s been part of my work in progress. Hell, I am part of my work in progress.

I think I made a mistake a couple months ago. Things in my head that are not going away. Things that make me smile. Things that I look forward to. Whispers of you’re not done with him yet. Not sure what I’m going to do about that. Well, I know what I would do. But I haven’t been given the opportunity. And you know me and patience… I could be direct about it – you know, the usual blunt-force-trauma me – but that doesn’t feel like the right way to handle this. Maybe I just don’t want to risk screwing it up any worse. Maybe I just have no idea what I’m doing. I never claim to be any good at this grown-up stuff. πŸ™‚

There are some things percolating on the job front that I think will be good. I have been mentally rehearsing explanations. It’s for the best, though. I’m just not invested, and everyone involved deserves better than that. When I’m on my game I am damn good. And I haven’t been for a long time.

There’s more (always is), but it’s bits and pieces. No stay-awake issues, to borrow from corporate-speak. I am supposed to drink a lot of water today, to help flush my system (the hot stone massage aids in lymph drainage, among other things). Maybe that will help clear my head. It’s also very windy today (the air smells amazingly clean). And Gemini is an air sign, so maybe that will help blow away my befuddlement, too. Heh.

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