Private: She Will Be Loved.

And so Mark has become real. It was necessary, and welcome. The longer “virtual” relationships go on, the more three-dimensional and concrete your mental creation of the person gets, and when you finally meet and the person is someone else entirely, it can be rather devastating.

Meeting Mark was not devastating, but it was not the dream realized. I am attracted to his mind, and his heart, and to so many things about him, but I am not physically attracted to him. It’s not just being seven weeks past a breakup; it’s not about Andrew being away this weekend, he’s just… not it. I wouldn’t be attracted to him another time either. It was nice hanging out with him, and my body liked being touched, but it wasn’t about being touched by him. And I didn’t want to touch him back (though I did). After the sex stuff was over, I didn’t really want him falling asleep in my bed. I didn’t want to spoon him. I wanted him to go home. Not a good sign.

Bugger. How awesome would it have been had it been that easy? He’s sweet and so into me and totally good for my ego and he makes me feel better when I’m down. But it’s not enough, and I won’t use him. I have been pondering whether or not to see him again, or whether or not to have sex with him so I can tell once and for all. I don’t think that’d be a good idea, though. It would just makes him more attached to me. How I’m going to go about telling him? I don’t know. Dana and Sherry offered some suggestions. Kind, honest, and hurt him as little as I can.

So that result, and the messed up sleep schedule, threw me into a bit of a funk, which has continued. I think Andrew’s with Kasia this weekend, which didn’t really help, though, like before, that didn’t specifically upset me. It was just how it’s been since the breakup – most of the time I’m fine, but sometimes I’m not, and it builds up, and then has to come out. It came out this morning in spades. I got up and read some emails, including one from Sherry, about something that happened last night with Bryan last night. And I started to cry. And I couldn’t stop. And Sherry called about going for a walk this afternoon, and I cried on the phone, and she cried on the phone. Can’t say that’s ever happened before.

By the time it was time to get ready to go to the family picnic, I was exhausted and bereft of social energy. But I went… to the wrong place. Oops. I called Mom and left her a voicemail asking where I was supposed to be, but haven’t yet heard back from her. So Sherry and I went for a walk. And I napped. And I’m getting through the day.

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