Today I had a very long two-part meeting. It was an utter waste of time. Stupid, longer than it needed to be, nothing got accomplished, more questions got raised, things went off-track, we still have a heap of outstanding requests to the customer, the customer won’t deliver on outstanding requirements, and the customer still thinks we will be able to meet the deadlines we didn’t set… among other things. I got out of it exhausted, frazzled, and brain dead. I couldn’t focus on my other work (which was behind by the better part of a day thanks to the meeting).
I needed a relaxing evening. Blow off some steam, chill out, a hug, a laugh, spend some time with someone who gets it. No expectations, just… hanging out, maybe some pizza, some wine, all good.
Except I don’t have that anymore. Of everything I’ve lost, it’s the loss of simple companionship that’s been the hardest. The random holes in my schedule. The not being able to ask for someone to just spend time with me. The just not being there for me. Yes, there actually is a big difference between sitting at home reading a book and sitting at Andrew’s reading my book while he plays videogames in the other room.
It’s why I wish I could date now. (Aside from wanting my damned relationship back.) I know how to do alone. I’ve done plenty of it. I’m tired of it. I want the rest of life. I want someone who will just be there. No expectations, no fancy plans. Don’t have to be on my best behaviour or touch up my lipstick. Loss of security, loss of companionship, loss of belonging. These are the wounds that have been bleeding the most. That frustrate and tire me and make me want to hate him. Buddhist definition of human suffering: clinging to that which changes.
The ironic part about today, specifically, is that he didn’t have a great day, either, but he wants to wind down and detox by hanging with the dogs, having a beer or three, and playing videogames (or so I assume and so he says). He’s not looking for companionship. Actually, that was his wind down on many occasions, even when we were together. Guess that should’ve been a hint, huh?