I got my hair cut today. I’ve never really been into putting whatever level of effort would be required into making my hair look good. It would involve hair dryers and styling products and more regular visits to the salon than I care to bother with. And so my hair doesn’t usually look exactly fantastic. Such is life. However, the last few months, it’s been bugging me more and more, and I have been very close on a number of occasions to borrowing clippers and shaving my head down to a half-inch or so. Just be done with it. Dispense with caring, dispense with vanity. I never did that.

Yes, I made the appointment for the cut after the breakup, but it’s largely irrelevant. At most it was a mild catalyst. Fuck it, just get it done already. Anyway. I don’t love it. I didn’t cry at the salon or anything. I don’t know what I was hoping for. Sexy? Intriguing? Something. Fuck, I do know what I was hoping for. I just don’t want to feel ugly anymore.

I have felt beautiful. I know I have. But I don’t remember how it feels. I haven’t felt it in so long I don’t remember. I don’t even remember when I started feeling ugly. When I first looked in the mirror and what I saw wasn’t good enough. Indication #305450298 that there’s something wrong with your relationship, I guess. Isn’t having someone who loves you supposed to make you feel good about yourself? There’s the rub, I suppose. No one did love me, at least not the way that’s required to make you feel beautiful. To make it visible on your face that you know you’re loved.

God, how horribly guilt-tripping and accusatory that sounds. Not what I meant. At least I hope it isn’t. It’s not so black and white. I never did for myself, either. I didn’t make much of an effort to be someone I saw in the mirror and liked the looks of. It’s not like he’ll care shouldn’t ever be an excuse, right or wrong. Ahh well, get it out of my head, all of it, so it doesn’t make me insane. Be embarrassed later. Another bad day, I guess. Yesterday was better than this.

There has only been one person I was ever with who was good at compliments and gave them out freely, sincerely, and honestly. If that’s something you can be considered good at, he was. Ironically, he meant the least to me of anyone I’ve ever been with. Discounting him, I can count the compliments from significant others that I remember from the last eight? ten? years on my fingers. And have fingers left over. Perhaps I’ve forgotten some, but I don’t think so. When you notice their absence, you very acutely remember their presence. It’s one of the things that’s always gotten me wondering, when things have ended with someone, if something’s wrong with me. Getting harder to convince myself that there’s not.

Wow. Never intended to write whatever this is when I sat down. I just wanted to figure out how I felt about my haircut. I was already pretty sure it wasn’t a raging success, I just hadn’t actually faced before how much I’ve apparently been hating existing in this skin. If you cry hard enough, does the poison drain out? A little?

4 Comments on Please try again.

  1. Me saying that I think you are beautiful will not help. But I do and I said it so it’s out there. You can take it and file it away with all the other compliments you’ve received from friends and family. Perhaps you are thinking I just said this because you are feeling down. And yes, that’s partially true because it’s when others no longer see the beauty in themselves that their friends say it for them. I know it helped me. It helped when my ex told me after three years of living with him that he was never attracted to me to begin with. I can fully understand how you feel. To look in the mirror and hate what you see. To never want to walk naked in front of the one who is supposed to love you because you don’t like the way your body has shaped. To desperately want them to say something, anything that tells you how much they adore you and your body but don’t want to fish for compliments. I’m not saying we are the same, all I’m saying is I can relate. I guess your post struck a nerve with me because you’ve put into words what I’ve been unable to do for so long. Thank you.

  2. Yeah, besides all the other stuff, being told something that affects your self-image hits you hard in a very specific place. Particularly when there’s nothing you can do about it. There was never any spark.

    There’s always more to it. There were moments when you know he wanted you, etc., but for that to be the overall theme of things between you? Ouch. What are you supposed to do in the future? Ask up front if there is spark between you so as to avoid getting your heart broken several years down the line?

    Even if it’s not vindictive, just honest, truth hurts.

  3. Again, any number of people can tell you that you are beautiful (you are). You won’t believe it (you don’t). You need to find it for yourself. Easier said then done, of course, but beauty comes from within, and self esteem comes from yourself. You are worthy. Believe it.

  4. Melle, I can so relate to what you’ve said in your post and what Nicole described! It’s a very difficult road to travel, but I agree with what Naomi said about needing to find your inner beauty for yourself! You are one hell of a woman, with a sharp wit and quick intelligence, a warm and loving nature andy ou’re a great friend to all of us on wnet … AND you A R E beautiful!!! You have beautiful, loving eyes and a great smile!!! And for what it’s worth … your new haircut is great! It just sometimes takes a while to figure out how to work with something so different! Hang in there, kiddo! You’re gonna make it! Believe in yourself! xoxo

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