Come home from work. Drink iced tea. Hate looking in mirror. Shower to clean off and remove excessive product from hair. Be weirded out by the feel of your head. Towel off, avoiding mirror. Begin blog post. Experience breakdown. Try to get it out, all of it, so it doesn’t fester in your head, even if your mind is better later. Feel awful for saying things that you don’t want misconstrued, but don’t have the energy to rephrase. Sob like your world is ending, hard enough to worry the pets. Try blowing your nose, realize you’ve been wondering when that full-body sobfest was coming. Remain… blasted by just how much self-loathing you didn’t realize had been in there. Wash face, blow nose some more, try to read book. Have issues concentrating. Mentally bitch slap yourself and realize it’s going to be one BAD fucking evening if you remain like this. Get up, get changed, grab gym bag, head out. Arrive at gym and realize this was a good idea. Do full set of stretches. Force yourself to look at your face. (You put on a bandanna at home – deal with one thing at a time.) Become okay with looking at your face, for now. Head out to the cardio area and get on a treadmill. Run. Run fucking hard. Realize pleasantly that you can run longer than you thought you could. Realize you ARE pushing like hell and today is not a normal day. Alternate running and walking until you feel some equilibrium, your head starts to pound, and you start to feel your right shoe rubbing. Cool down, wipe down equipment, get gym bag, head out. Decide you need new running shoes very badly. (Next paycheque.) Go home, strip off sweaty clothes, cool down, keep drinking water. Read emails. Empty head some more (with a little more stability) emailing to your girls. Finish bottle of water. Re-blog so you feel a little less scared of/for yourself. Try to read book again. Survive another night.